Sunday, November 10, 2013

A Clean Slate

Well, I started a blog. Over a year ago, God told me to share my story with others. Slowly, as I felt led, I have shared bits and pieces with friends. Tonight, I took another step of faith, and decided to share my story with more than just close friends. My hope is that others, who are walking their own journey of freedom and healing, will be helped and encouraged. As time goes on, I will share more of my story. It’s full of love, tears, laughter, and baby poop!  

I have started this next paragraph several times, too many times. What should I write? Why would anyone want to read this blog? He said to write. Well, I got nothin’!! Doubt comes flooding in, and I criticize my every word. I wonder why in the world I am opening my heart to others… And then I stop. Wait, what is this crap? I am more than this. I am a daughter of His. If He asks me to share my story, He will help me. If He asks me to put my heart out there for others, I can do this. I don’t need to fear what others think. I don’t need to criticize myself. I am me! I am fearfully and wonderfully made. So, I will try this again, with a clean slate. I am so thankful for clean slates.

That’s where I will start…how He wiped my slate clean. When I was five, I asked Jesus into my heart-the first time He wiped my slate clean. I grew up in a Christian home. I went to church every week and attended a Christian school and college. All the “right” things though, didn’t make me clean. Instead, I was a hot mess on the inside. Fast forward lots of years, I was married and had three wonderful kiddos. We had just moved 1000 miles away from all family and friends. We knew one family in all of Texas. I never questioned if Texas was the right place for us, I just knew. Texas is beautiful and a wonderful place to live.

One day, I woke up and found myself in a battle for my life. All I could see and feel was darkness. I was engulfed in anxiety, fear, and dread. I don’t know that I would call it a depression as I wasn’t sad, just filled with anxiety. It was awful. I can barely write this without tears as it was such an intensely dark time in my life. Through that though, He spoke truth into my life. He spoke love into my life. He allowed me to see the lies I had believed (there were so many). He picked me up out of that pit, and started me on a journey of forgiveness, healing, and freedom. He wiped my slate clean.

I am so grateful that His love covers all. I am grateful that my past mistakes, failures, and choices do not define me. I am grateful that He loves me right where I am. I don’t need to act like I have it all together if I am really a hot mess! He already knows, and He loves me anyway. For me, the first step in my journey was realizing that He loved me. I didn’t need to have it all together or do all these things to be loved by Him. He loved me because I was His daughter. Just as I love my kiddos, not because they do everything right, but because they are MINE. I will fight for them, I will love them every day of my life, and I would die for them. The greatest example of love was God giving His son, Jesus, to die for me. I don’t have a full understanding of His love for me, but I pray that as time goes on I would have a deeper understanding of how deep, how far, and how wide His love for me is. His love covers all. It wipes the slate clean. For that, I am grateful.

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