The insomnia I battled for the next several weeks was tormenting. I know that not all people who are fighting insomnia are tormented by it, however, for me, this was tormenting. I wasn't one to lay there and think about the day or worry about things for hours. I had always been able to fall asleep fairly easily.
I went to bed that night hoping that some sleep would help me feel better. I have always been someone who needs their sleep. I feel better both mentally and physically when I get adequate rest. Instead of finding sleep, I found restlessness, anxiety, and torment. Torment is a very strong word. It is the correct word. I would close my eyes and fear would just engulf me. It was terrifying. I read the Bible, I put some worship music on, and I prayed. Nothing. I cried. I just wanted to sleep. To *run away* from all this anxiety and fear that was drowning me and instead, I was now unable to sleep. I had Bobby pray over me. I tried everything I knew to get to sleep. Finally, I remembered the dr had said if I needed I could take Benadryl to help me sleep(he must have known how my night was going to go). I got up and took two Benadryl and finally fell asleep..for 2-3 hours..then I was up again. Scared. I kept thinking to myself. Why are you so afraid? What in the world is wrong with me you? I had no idea why this wasn't going away, and I had no idea how to fix it. The unknown questions bothered me almost as much as the fear and anxiety itself. I am a fixer. If I see something is wrong, I want to jump in and help. I wanted to fix this..but I was soon going to learn that there was no easy fix. I was broken...and I needed The Physician to help me. He is the best dr, but His ways were not my ways. He wanted to dig deeper, to clean me up. I wanted to RUN AWAY!
I woke up to another dreary, rainy day in Texas. I had only slept 4-5 hours the entire night. I love the sunshine so I would just stare out the window and think that the weather outside matched where I was at. It always seemed ironic to me because we don't get a lot of rain here in Texas. I kept thinking when is the sun going to come back. There was a lesson for me to learn in those dreary, rainy days: The sun was still shining. Regardless of whether I could SEE it or FEEL its warmth, it was still shining. The clouds and rain were blocking it, but it was still there, just hidden. I was going to learn that whether or not I could see or feel God; He was still with me.
I struggled with another day of intense anxiety and fear. I remember sitting on the couch and asking Bobby if I was going crazy. He, in "Bobby fashion", laughs, and says no, crazy people don't know they are going crazy. (gotta love him!!) I had no reason to be sad, fearful, or anxious. My life was good. I was genuinely happy with Bobby and our kiddos. I just couldn't figure this out. It made no sense to me. I was lacking truth and understanding. Over the next several weeks and months, God took me on a HARD, GRUELING journey towards freedom and healing. For me, I had "bandaged" deep wounds and hurts with lies. I had believed lies about who God was, how He works, and how the enemy works. I was misguided and uninformed.
I had four days of intense anxiety and fear. On the fourth day, my world (truly) was forever changed. Aside from being saved when I was a little girl, this was the most pivotal moment in my life.
Breakthrough was coming!!